Dear God,

It’s been quite the year, hasn’t it? I don’t even know where to begin. The other night I sat down to write and there was everything and nothing at the same time. I am overwhelmed and I have only myself  to blame for all of this. A week ago, I went down the path of introspection and together with my best friend (Reg), we did what girls were made to do best — over analyze. I thought about the patterns in my life and how these were becoming pieces of me I’ve been eager to get rid of, just unsure of how, where, and when.

Our talk turned out to be the most enlightening conversation I’ve had in months; and within seconds of my “aha!” moment were two more surprises from the universe. more than threats, they served as symbols for one of the following - 1) closure 2) affirmation 3) readiness.

Humility to acknowledge the weakness and immaturity threw me into adulthood… perhaps not yet entirely, but that growth-meter certainly indicated progress. And suddenly the heavy doors I’ve been trying so hard to close have begun to inch their way in… automatically.

I feel like I’ve been straddling a line between what I want and what I need to escape. This year was an unending push and pull between tradition and dreams; patterns and changes. And after all of this, I swear I have never felt more exhausted in my life than I do today.

2011, I cannot wait for you to go away.

It’s funny how we all seem to think that fireworks and the switch of the hand on the clock will make everything fade away, and yet we’d like to believe it anyway because we need something to indicate a clean slate, a fresh start, a better chance. I need something to reassure me that stepping into the New Year will bring me better news, that the waiting will no longer linger. I’m so tired of waiting, God. I’ve waited patiently enough, and I can’t imagine asking for patience one more time.

:(

But inspite of the emotional struggle that I feel with 2011, I do have a few things I would like to thank You for:

1) The opportunity to find my own emotional strength away from my family of origin. Thanks to Tito Gab and Tita Marianne who welcomed me into their home this year, I have been fortunate enough to look at the world with a new pair of eyes… and I’m glad that staying with them for four months made me feel like I was capable of doing ANYTHING. They gave me the emotional independence that I was hungry for, and their support in those four months made a tremendous impact on me. I am particularly thankful to have gotten to know both of them and have them as my role models.

2) Alabang always felt like another country. It still does actually. But for some reason, it gives me the peace that I need. I come to work every morning with ease knowing the drive is going to be refreshing, and crossing SLEX always feels like I’m going somewhere safe and far. It’s cathartic. On top of that, I’ve truly come to love and like the people that I work with. Anxa has been quite the company and if it wasn’t for my cousin Erica, I wouldn’t have found it. Erica, Tanya, Suzanne, Terry, Sarah L, Karen, Trina, Max, Joyce, Domi, Louis, Adrien, JQ, JM, Dom, Steph, Arnaud, Leo, Laarni, Charm, Jana, Reg, Crizelle, Dan, Davy, Pod, Christian, Jerry, Christine, Christelle, Thomas, Kevin, Seb, and Vivien are just some of the many people I have gotten to know better in 2011 and for each of them I am most thankful.

3) Thank you for helping me get to my 4th semester in Grad School alongside such inspiring individuals like my group therapy classmates (you all know who you are), the people I work with in orgs, or just the new faces that I get to meet in every new class that I take. I thank you also for the professors who have continued to inspire and push me on this journey. Grad school has given me even more opportunities to grow and to gain perspective in life. More importantly, it has contributed greatly to my healing.

4) The friends who despite many things have not let go - Reg, Welo, Hanna, Carla, Riva, Joey, Viva, Jeck, Nica L, Andrew, Marga R., Marga J., Cat, Jaydee, Tricia, Sir G, Kiko, Monica, Anton, Kevin, Van, Chrissie, Nica S, and so many others Im probably missing out on. These people have become my pillars in 2011 and for them I am most thankful

5) The cousins who have made being part of a family so much more meaningful - Gogi, Cristina, Ala, Mio, Aycs, Theresa, Welo, Gabby & Rose (when I was in alabang), Leni, etc.

6) The titos and titas who have not failed to show me their support - Tita Nens (every day she has a prayer for me), Tita Lor, Tita Janet, Tita Lyds, Tito Cholo :)

7) My siblings Sandro and Patring. Iba pa rin minsan kapag kami lang (without our parents!)

8) My sister-in-law, Sheng, my niece Sachi, and my godson Jacob :)

9) My parents - They raised me well, and they need to know that when I’m away from them, I can maneuver my way through life just fine. If it wasnt for everything I’ve learned from them though, I wouldn’t be as tough as I am today.

10) Oh and before I forget!! Thank you thank you thank you for Marshal and Suzie. Had it not been for them, I would not have survived my short lived job at Ateneo. I’m so glad they’ve become my good friends. I would also like to thank you for the friends I made from OIR — all 34 of my frenchies, and the 90+ other students from Germany, Spain, France, Japan, China, Taiwan, etc. I particularly am thankful for Edouard and Thomas.

Thank You for 2011, Lord. I am ready to jump into 2012 trusting in Your grand plan for me. And I pray that for everyone who has touched my life this year, you bless them with a meaningful New Year.

XXX

g